


Oh Baby (You Are Driving Me Crazy)

by verivala



Series: oh baby [2]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gellert The Drama Queen, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Jelly Gelly, Kissing, M/M, Nude Photos, Old Married Couple, Temper Tantrums, Why Did I Write This?, minerva needs a raise, this is so silly lmao, voldy doesn't know what hit him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 11:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20339158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verivala/pseuds/verivala
Summary: Gellert is sulking. Albus is having too much fun. Minerva needs a raise. Voldy just wants to take a bath. Fawkes disapproves.crack sequel tothings burnt in our wake





	Oh Baby (You Are Driving Me Crazy)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Riafya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riafya/gifts).

> This utter nonsense was born from a conversation between Riafya and me. She asked me what was inside the envelope in things burnt in our wake and I jokingly answered that it was a naked picture of Gellert with a rose in his mouth. Things escalated from there, and this masterpiece was born. Honestly, it's just as much Riafya's brainchild as mine, so thank you for giving me the idea for this silliness <3
> 
> You don't have to read things burnt in our wake first if you don't want to but it's pretty short so you might as well ;)

“Did you like the picture?” Gellert asked, a smirk playing on the edges of his lips.

Albus blinked at him, unsure what he was referring to. They were facing each other across a grassy hill, waiting for the other to make the first move to start their duel. On the side-lines, their respective allies were standing, holding their breath as the two greatest wizards of their time faced each other for (what they thought was) the first time. The air around them felt of the oppressive pressure that told of an oncoming storm.

Albus glanced at the bystanders before discreetly snapping his fingers to muffle their conversation to everyone’s ears. Gellert was waiting patiently, but the smirk had slid off his face, having been replaced by a frown. Albus cleared his throat. This is not what he had expected when Gellert had proposed to face him one-on-one. He probably should have; Gellert did love being unpredictable. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you are referring to,” Albus admitted.

Gellert’s frown deepened. “I mean the picture inside the envelope I left you the last time we met.” Albus averted his eyes. _Ah_. Gellert squinted his eyes. “You did open it, my dear, did you not?” he asked, his voice a low hiss that told of an imminent tantrum.

Albus cleared his throat again and prepared to draw his wand. “No?” he replied nervously. 

He barely managed to duck the curse that flew his way.

* * *

“Won’t you talk to me, my dear?” Albus asked desperately, pressing against the bars to see Gellert lying in the corner of his cell, obviously doing his hardest to ignore him. Sighing, he sat on the cold floor. “The duel was your idea, so I don’t see why you are so upset.”

At that, Gellert lifted his head and aimed a glare so powerful at Albus that he almost expected to burst into flames at the spot. (In fact, he did have to smother a fire at the sleeve of his robes; Gellert had evidently been practising since the last time Albus had been at the receiving end of that look.)

“Upset?” Gellert screamed shrilly. Albus shifted nervously on his place on the floor; the look on Gellert’s face was quite unhinged. “I’m not upset because you beat me in that farce of a duel! I’m upset because YOU DID NOT OPEN MY LETTER!”

His voice echoed down the corridor, making the guard at the end peek his head around the corner; Albus smiled at him innocently. The guard seemed to think for a moment before apparently deciding that he did not want to deal with whatever was upsetting the resident Dark Lord. As he retreated, Albus turned back to the cell. To his relief, Gellert had not gone back to ignoring him but was still staring daggers at him. (Just in case, Albus patted his robes to make sure there were no new fires to be put out). “Why don’t you tell me why that upsets you? You said something about a picture?” Albus prodded. He, himself, was very curious to find out what it had been. 

Gellert scoffed and turned his head away. Albus was silent; sometimes, it was better to wait for Gellert to volunteer information rather than to question him further. His silence was rewarded when a minute later, Gellert sighed and said. “It was an artistic depiction of the male body.”

Albus blinked. That- that was not what he had been expecting. Incredulous, he asked, “Do you mean to tell me you left me a nude picture of yourself?”

Gellert sniffed. “Yes, and it was a good picture too. You can’t imagine how long it took me to arrange. I had to develop it myself since I obviously couldn’t trust it to anyone else.”

“I see,” Albus said faintly. This was the most ridiculous, yet most Gellert thing he heard in all his life. But when he started to really think about it- “Was it a Wizard picture?” he heard himself asking before he could stop it.

“Obviously,” Gellert sneered.

_A wizard picture_. Meaning Gellert would have been moving. Albus’ brain came to a stop. All he could think about were those three words. Gellert. Naked. _Moving_. Heat rose abruptly to his cheeks as heat spread throughout his abdomen. Albus pressed a hand to his lap in shame as his groin gave an interested twitch. He was too old for this!

A hand reached through the bars and cupped his burning cheek. Gellert had moved from his place on the corner of the cell and was now kneeling before Albus on the other side of the bars. A smug smirk was playing on his lips. “Are you regretting not opening it?” he asked with a dark chuckle.

Albus blushed harder. “No,” he denied, but it sounded weak even to his own ears. Although it should have been impossible, Gellert’s smirk turned even smugger. (Albus really should ask him to teach him how to do that some time.) Gellert dragged his finger down Albus' cheek to his lips, pulling it open with his thumb. “Well, you better open it when you get home then,” he whispered, his voice husky.

Albus averted his eyes. The hand on his cheek froze. A deep hiss left Gellert’s mouth. “You still have it, don’t you?”

Albus swallowed. “Ah- I might have-“

Another hiss. “Yes?”

“- burned it?” He winced.

For a moment, there was total silence. Then Gellert snatched his hand away and roared, “OUT!”

Albus did not need to be told twice.

* * *

The next time he went to visit, Gellert refused to talk to him. (“Really, my dear, I’m sorry about the picture, but I can’t make it up to you if you won’t let me.”) And the time after that. And the time after that. Nevertheless, Albus persisted. When Gellert would not talk to him, he would speak to him instead, telling him of his day, some amusing anecdotes of his students and the latest research project he had taken up.

Gellert never made any sign of acknowledging him. All he ever did was to stare sullenly out of the window – even the time when Albus had resorted to desperate measures and started a very off-key rendition of the school song. That time Gellert had only stripped two strands of fabric off his shirt and stuffed them into his ears as he kept staring angrily out of the window at the birds outside that had joined Albus in his song.

The only time Albus ever drew a reaction from him was when he brought up Newt. The first time had resulted in a burned bonnet, but Albus was satisfied to have even that. It meant that Gellert was at least listening to him.

Once he had figured out what had triggered the reaction (and really, jealousy? Gellert truly was the most ridiculous man he had ever know. Albus carefully did not think about what that said about his taste in men. Or about the fact that this same man was the most feared wizard in the entire world) Albus had kept mentioning his various male acquaintances in an off-handed manner. He always gained some sort of reaction that way, but Gellert did not start speaking to him again until the early 70s, almost thirty years after he had been imprisoned (and to think that Albus had once thought he was stubborn!).

When he came in that day, Gellert was reading the Daily Prophet, scoffing at the contents of whatever article he was reading. Albus conjured himself a comfy chair and pulled his knitting out off his purse, resigned to speaking to an impenetrable wall yet again. That is why it shocked him enough for him to drop his knitting needles when Gellert actually opened his mouth.

“Who is this?” Gellert asked, his voice raspy from disuse as he held out the Daily Prophet’s front page in front of him. Albus just blinked at him, amazed to hear his voice. He had almost forgotten what it sounded like.

Gellert shook the paper impatiently. Quickly, Albus leaned closer to take a look. The headline was screaming the words; A NEW THREAT RISES: MORE DANGEROUS THAN GRINDELWALD? Beneath the headline, there was a picture of the Dark Mark floating above a destroyed house.

Albus leaned back and nonchalantly picked his knitting needles off the floor. “Ah, yes, that would be Tom’s handiwork.”

“Tom?” Gellert asked sharply.

Albus looked at his knitting pattern. Now, where had he left off? Absentmindedly, he answered, “An old student of mine. He has been making quite a nuisance of himself lately.”

Albus did not look up as he heard Gellert moving closer. There was the sound of the rustling of paper before Gellert hissed, “This piece of _Quatsch_ says that you are his only match.”

Albus looped his needle through a knot. “Does it now?”

“I thought I was your only real enemy!” Gellert shouted, slamming the paper on the floor.

Albus put down his work and looked calmly up at him. “Gellert, we are lovers. We made a blood pact. We’ve been practically married for over seventy years.”

Gellert slammed his hands on the bars. “Your only enemy!” he hissed.

Albus shook his head and went back to his knitting. He waited for a moment for Gellert to calm down before he said, sounding thoughtful. “You know, Tom was always a rather handsome man."

The paper on the floor bursted into flame.

* * *

The next day, the papers were all ablaze with a breaking story: DARK WIZARD GELLERT GRINDELWALD ESCAPES!

Albus hummed in thought as he read the article. Mayhap he should have checked the wards had been drawn back up after he had left. How foolish of him. He must be getting old. 

* * *

After dinner an Austrian Auror tasked with locating the escaped convict was sitting on his office, looking very uncomfortable in the comfy purple armchair Albus had kindly conjured for him.

“As you have no doubt heard, Grindelwald has escaped his cell in Nurmengrad,” the Auror stammered, nervously playing with the teacup on his hands.

Albus slurped his tea loudly. “Oh, dear, did he really? How unfortunate,” he said.

The Auror did not seem to know how to react. Clearing his throat, he continued, “You visited him just before he escaped.”

“You are not implying that I had anything to do with it, are you?” Albus asked, innocently twirling his wand between his fingertips.

“No, Sir,” the Auror blurted, looking nervously at the wand. “But we need to know what you talked about.”

Albus hummed. He gulped down the rest of his tea before flicking his hand in a way that made the Auror jump on his seat. Pretending not to notice, Albus said, “Well if you must know, I implied that I find Tom Riddle terribly handsome in an effort to drive Grindelwald into a mindless jealous rage, so he that kills Riddle for me.”

The Auror spit out tea through his nose. His face was pale as he jumped up from his seat. “What- “

“Obliviate,” Albus incanted, flicking his wand. Immediately, a blank look drew upon the Auror’s face.

Behind him, Fawkes cooed in disapproval. Albus waved his hand and said, “Oh, don't be like that. I must get my amusements from somewhere.” If birds had been able to roll their eyes, Fawkes would undoubtedly have done so now. “Did you see the look on his face? Priceless,” Albus chortled, dapping his eyes with a handkerchief.

Fawkes only shook his head.

* * *

(Meanwhile across the country, a window shattered, startling the newly minted Lord Voldemort as he was taking a bath. “Who the fuck are you?” he screamed as he scrambled for both a towel and his wand.

The crazy man that had just come through his window gave him an unpleasant smirk that would have spooked most ordinary people. Fortunately, Lord Voldemort was far from ordinary. But nothing could have prepared him for what the crazy weirdo in a prison garb said next.

“Did you fuck Albus Dumbledore?”

Voldemort spluttered in disgust. _How dare-_ To have sex with that sanctimonious old fart? He would rather cut off his arm. This answer did not seem to please his visitor in the slightest, and he had barely time to deflect the powerful curse directed at him. Clearly, this lunatic was not to be underestimated.

The duel lasted for a while, but Voldemort lost after he slipped on a piece of soap. He would go to his (almost) eternal rest with the unpleasant knowledge that his former professor had got down to business with the most feared Dark Lord in history. If it had not been so disturbing, he would have rejoiced in the fact that the man was the biggest hypocrite to walk the earth! As he was a cloud of ominous smoke at that point, there was, unfortunately, nothing he could with the knowledge.) 

* * *

A week after the incident with the Auror, and a few more additional deflections of questions by the Ministry, Albus was sitting in his office, cheerfully humming the school song under his breath as he filled a crossword puzzle. His peaceful evening was disturbed by the bang of his office door against the wall.

Albus looked up. Gellert was standing in the doorway, sobbing wet and with a scratch on his cheek. His hair was tied into a messy bun, and he had managed to acquire his old clothes from Merlin-knows-where. The look on his face was livid. “He had Horcruxes!”

“Did he?” Albus asked calmly and pulled up a chair. “Come sit down, my dear, you are wetting my carpet.”

Gellert did, slumping down on the armchair with a wet sound that made Albus wince. He waved his wand over Gellert in steady motions to dry him off as Gellert continued his tirade. “Horcruxes! As in multiple! The man is- was a moron! I cannot believe he was supposed to be my replacement!” he shouted, dramatically swinging his hand over his eyes.

Tutting, Albus slipped his wand back into his sleeve. “I see you still managed to deal with him.”

Gellert scoffed, “Obviously.”

Albus drew his hand from his eyes and promptly sat on his lap. “I never doubted you, my dear.” (Well, he had, Gellert had spent years in jail after all, but there was no need to tell him that.)

Gellert placed his hands around Albus’ waist and squinted at him. “You manipulated me,” he accused him.

Humming, Albus scratched the skin behind Gellert’s ear in a way that made him boneless with pleasure every time. “I suppose I did,” he admitted, slipping his hand between Gellert’s legs.

Gellert moaned and did not say anything at all for a long time.

* * *

(Rolling them around in the bed, Gellert nuzzled the skin of Albus’ neck. “Have I ever told you how attractive you are when you are being a bastard?”

Albus carded his fingers through Gellert’s white locks. “Not recently, no.”

“Well, that won’t do at all,” Gellert whispered and crawled down his body. It was Albus turn to be reduced to making incomprehensible noises. He found that he did not mind in the least.)

* * *

The day after, Albus invited Minerva into his office. When she arrived, Albus offered her some lemon tarts and was rebuffed as always. Sighing with pleasure, he put the delicious treat on his mouth. Gellert was the only one who had ever appreciated his taste for treats. 

Minerva cleared her throat. Albus opened his eyes. Oh, yes. Smiling, he waited for Minerva to sip her tea before announcing, “I'm resigning. And I thought you would be the perfect candidate for the next Headmistress.”

Minerva choked on her tea. Albus waited patiently as she coughed and dapped her mouth. Clearing her throat, she asked, “Resigning? But why, Albus?”

“Well, you see, I've gotten married,” Albus replied, bashfully displaying the ring on his finger. Minerva looked as if she had been struck by a Stupefy.

“Married? To whom?” she asked, her voice incredulous. Albus supposed he could not blame her. After all, he had never shown amorous intentions towards anyone as long as she had known him.

Albus gestured to the stairs. Gellert walked down and smiled charmingly at Minerva. He kissed her hand before coming to stand behind Albus and putting a hand on his shoulder. Albus placed his hand atop his. “This is Greg Adler-Lendtwill. We met in Austria. It was love at first sight,” Albus sighed wistfully, smiling soppily at his husband.

Minerva, still looking very stunned, offered her congratulations and signed the papers that transferred the Headmaster’s position from Albus to her. When it was done, Albus took Gellert by the arm and waved her a cheery goodbye.

“If you need me, my new address is in the letter on your desk,” he told her, before being dragged out of the door by impatient looking Gellert. Minerva nodded faintly in answer. Fawkes cooed at her in sympathy before following his stupid humans out of the door.

* * *

It wasn’t until later that it occurred to Minerva why Albus’ husband had seemed so familiar. Adler-Lendtwill had born a striking resemblance to the escaped Gellert Grindelwald. Minerva thought on it for a moment, recalling Albus’ countless visits to ‘a relative’ and the letters he had kept sending to an address in Austria almost every day for the past thirty years.

But surely not.

**Author's Note:**

> As some of you might have guessed Greg Adler-Lendtwill is an anagram of Gellert Grindelwald
> 
> Leave your comment in a mysterious envelope at my desk. (No nudes) 
> 
> My Tumblr: bloodtroth


End file.
